Happy Father's Day dad

Its been a year now.. and of course I think of you. You never really seem to really miss someone until you cant talk to them and I miss you. You never ever think of one of our parents passing until it happens and even then it's almost surreal. Why my dad? why you? You always see things happen from the outside, like your protected and this is millions of miles away from you. Like the Tsunami in Thailand, or the collapsed bridge in India. Those are events that affect hundreds and thousands of people, and yet, your death is really all i can think about. I'ts been hard on everyone but most of all Nancy and Reanna. They lived for you... and now will have to continue with you gone. I don't let it show much on the outside but i ache all the time.

I wish I could have talked to you a million times more then I did, i wish we would have visited each other and shared each others lives more. I barely knew you and your wife, i barely know your favorite things, except you hated eggs and that you taught me that the Minnesota Vikings are the only football team worth a damn. I don't know the last three places you lived but seeing your house last year made me remember what you were about. Your books and your self help literature. Your weights of different sizes and the funny yet cutting comments you wrote in notes around your house. Everything there teleported me back to 13 when we lived in Texas, made me wish that I had the last 20 years back just to hear you talk again, to hear you laugh, and even to hear you talk shit about mom. I heard the message you left on my phone a while ago about how you got back from your trip and that you weren't feeling very well, and how you laughed it off as if it was nothing. I wish it was nothing. I wish I could have been able to do s0mething... even more so i wish the doctors could have.

You were so damn stubborn! Forever you were stubborn and that's part of why we didn't communicate much for many years. You were the parent, why didn't you act like one. Why did I have to be the bigger person. And when I wasn't , why didn't you let that go? You were stubborn about not wanting to stay in one place too long, stubborn about working, yet you kept doing it. You were stubborn about our responsibilities, but I got used to that. I think your stubbornness is why you are not here today. I know that you were hurting, but you were too strong to let it take you to the doctors. You were so full of pride and afraid of embarrassment that you ignored the pain so long. Why couldn't you have just gone earlier... But that is you.. strong and stubborn til the end. I wish i had know, i would have dragged you damn ass to the doctors long ago...

I know why we didn't keep in contact over the years as best as we could have. We never really had arguments, but we were never close. We each had our petty differences and I know I held grudges just like you. I think we allowed ourselves to get comfortable with distance. In that distance we knew we cared about each other. It was visible in your book, in my writings, and in both of our prayers. Don't think I took that lightly when i read that, It was the first real affirmation that your shell cracked and you let someone in.

Where do you think we would be if you lived, i mean we were making progress in the past few years. I would like to think that we would have been closer. That we could have shared my dreams and your past. I cannot say as if it would have been, but its what i want. Now its too late, and now it seems I think of you ever day. I think of your funny laugh and your insane sense of humor. I think of your sinister sinister behavior and of your unending knowledge. I think of how you once ran after kids that were picking on Shelley and how you made me ride in the bed of a truck to Colorado. I think of the drive to Galveston to see the jellyfish and the sandwiches made of roast beef on onion rolls. Most of all i think of you propped up in your hospital bed a hundred pounds lighter then you should be. Your face gaunt and pale. Your eyes still full of energy darting around, but unable to move. I wish I could have taken your pain but i know i couldn't. I most of all wish i stayed there to see you off. I missed it by one day and that was all it took. I am thankful i said good bye and I had all the faith in the world that you would be ok, i mean your my dad.. you couldn't die. And as long as i live, you never will.. you will live on in my thoughts every day and I'm just fine with that.

I hope I have made you proud in everything I've done. I've tried to live my life the way you and mom would have wanted me. I have a lot to learn but I have remember some of the things I learned from you. Thank you for giving me a chance by adopting me That weighs on me quite a bit. Everyday i am grateful for being here. Thank you so much.

I love you dad. Happy Fathers Day.

Mark