Its been a year now.. and of course I think of you. You never really seem to really miss someone until you cant talk to them and I miss you. You never ever think of one of our parents passing until it happens and even then it's almost surreal. Why my dad? why you? You always see things happen from the outside, like your protected and this is millions of miles away from you. Like the Tsunami in Thailand, or the collapsed bridge in India. Those are events that affect hundreds and thousands of people, and yet, your death is really all i can think about. I'ts been hard on everyone but most of all Nancy and Reanna. They lived for you... and now will have to continue with you gone. I don't let it show much on the outside but i ache all the time.
I wish I could have talked to you a million times more then I did, i wish we would have visited each other and shared each others lives more. I barely knew you and your wife, i barely know your favorite things, except you hated eggs and that you taught me that the Minnesota Vikings are the only football team worth a damn. I don't know the last three places you lived but seeing your house last year made me remember what you were about. Your books and your self help literature. Your weights of different sizes and the funny yet cutting comments you wrote in notes around your house. Everything there teleported me back to 13 when we lived in Texas, made me wish that I had the last 20 years back just to hear you talk again, to hear you laugh, and even to hear you talk shit about mom. I heard the message you left on my phone a while ago about how you got back from your trip and that you weren't feeling very well, and how you laughed it off as if it was nothing. I wish it was nothing. I wish I could have been able to do s0mething... even more so i wish the doctors could have.
You were so damn stubborn! Forever you were stubborn and that's part of why we didn't communicate much for many years. You were the parent, why didn't you act like one. Why did I have to be the bigger person. And when I wasn't , why didn't you let that go? You were stubborn about not wanting to stay in one place too long, stubborn about working, yet you kept doing it. You were stubborn about our responsibilities, but I got used to that. I think your stubbornness is why you are not here today. I know that you were hurting, but you were too strong to let it take you to the doctors. You were so full of pride and afraid of embarrassment that you ignored the pain so long. Why couldn't you have just gone earlier... But that is you.. strong and stubborn til the end. I wish i had know, i would have dragged you damn ass to the doctors long ago...
I know why we didn't keep in contact over the years as best as we could have. We never really had arguments, but we were never close. We each had our petty differences and I know I held grudges just like you. I think we allowed ourselves to get comfortable with distance. In that distance we knew we cared about each other. It was visible in your book, in my writings, and in both of our prayers. Don't think I took that lightly when i read that, It was the first real affirmation that your shell cracked and you let someone in.
Where do you think we would be if you lived, i mean we were making progress in the past few years. I would like to think that we would have been closer. That we could have shared my dreams and your past. I cannot say as if it would have been, but its what i want. Now its too late, and now it seems I think of you ever day. I think of your funny laugh and your insane sense of humor. I think of your sinister sinister behavior and of your unending knowledge. I think of how you once ran after kids that were picking on Shelley and how you made me ride in the bed of a truck to Colorado. I think of the drive to Galveston to see the jellyfish and the sandwiches made of roast beef on onion rolls. Most of all i think of you propped up in your hospital bed a hundred pounds lighter then you should be. Your face gaunt and pale. Your eyes still full of energy darting around, but unable to move. I wish I could have taken your pain but i know i couldn't. I most of all wish i stayed there to see you off. I missed it by one day and that was all it took. I am thankful i said good bye and I had all the faith in the world that you would be ok, i mean your my dad.. you couldn't die. And as long as i live, you never will.. you will live on in my thoughts every day and I'm just fine with that.
I hope I have made you proud in everything I've done. I've tried to live my life the way you and mom would have wanted me. I have a lot to learn but I have remember some of the things I learned from you. Thank you for giving me a chance by adopting me That weighs on me quite a bit. Everyday i am grateful for being here. Thank you so much.
I love you dad. Happy Fathers Day.
Mark
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sucess and the drama that ensues
Have you ever wanted something really badly? Like to the point of where you would honestly chop off part of your body to get it? Clearly, wanting something like that is a dream and most likely wont come true. Well what if you got it? What if your hopes and desire came true and you end up standing on the mountain top with your flag planted squarely at the peak? Then what? Where do you go from there, or rather, what is the "letdown?"
I always dream of winning the Powerball. What i would buy my friends and the house i would finally buy my mother. Of all the places I would go and things I would purchase. I always wanted a brand new vehicle, I've never had one to my own. I would want a large wooden lodge in the mountains with an OC48 streaming in.. hahaha (nerd talking), oh.. and a Best Buy next door. After a while I think, what happens next? What happens when my friends have to go back to work, and I've paid for all the things I wanted? What will motivate me then?
Playing Warcraft is kinda like that. You skill up, and gear up, and run instances and raids over and over to get that ultimate goal. To beat the end boss and get the Tier piece that has eluded you for so long. You fight and wipe and wipe and wipe with 25 other people until you are sick of running back and paying for repairs. But you want so badly to win. The planning, and the organization, and the different attitudes and play styles all have to come together. And then you spend weeks that turn into months throwing yourselves at these Raid bosses, getting better each time. Each person feeling a bit overwhelmed but we get better, and better. And finally SUCCESS! We came together that one try and everything came together and we stood above the body of the fallen boss, taking pictures and laughing and /cheering. The loot, stuff we have never seen before, gets passed out and the winners (you can tell) have this HUGE grin on their faces. And the congratulations from the others and the guildies not in the raid is so positive and genuinely excited.... and then the drama starts.
Now before I go on about how I despise drama (which you will know from my other blogs), I will admit there are things that a leadership group have to look at even when we succeed. We have to look at what works and what doesn't. Who needs help and who is really struggling. That is a leaderships responsibility, but... does it have to be dramatic? Does drama have to spread like wildfire and suffocate like a plastic bag? I truly believe that some people revel in drama, as if they aren't happy if there is none. I want nothing more then to squash it, and I always try immediately.
Recently, my guild has beaten a really tough boss. While there is about 10 seconds of jubilation, there was an aire of self righteousness. Like we should have done that hours ago or weeks ago. From our leadership group there was very little "attaboys" or positive reinforcement. While i know that as a GUILD LEADER I am responsible for the guilds overall health. The raid leaders are a bit gruff as, I think, most are as due to all the responsibility they have on themselves. However, there are about 10 Seniors and Officers in the raid and yet it seems there is very little positive feedback. I actually don't mind the minimal praise, because I can fill that... and I do. The issues I see are when i hear what comes next, both from Raiders and some of my Guild Leaders.
After a few minutes I hear a lot of the following:
1. We are letting too many under geared people in.
2. Why are were we wiping on easy bosses (um.. we never beat it before)
3. People actually calling out others about being low in dps, or geared
4. Why aren't we doing another 25 man day we need to finish Ulduar
5. I want to run 25 man Naxx, but not come to Ulduar
6. Our Gear system sucks, I hate it...
7. That person is hardly ever here, why does he/she have priority?
8. These AFK's are killing me (i happen to agree with this one)
I donno, I guess where I came from, every victorious battle should be celebrated. I don't mean battles we have won 100 times (like kara or naxx), but this is Ulduar, we are 4 steps away from current end game. Why aren't we getting naked and partying?? jk.. haha... Seriously, I don't see why we don't bask in the glow a little more. Why we aren't satisfied with amazing job we did to beat that boss. I'm apparently not one of those Guild Leaders that has to beat every boss now... We are a casual guild that raids, very well i might add. We have a lot of other things going on and some of our raiders tend to get in the Raiding Tunnel visions. We have in fact lost many guildies in the past to "hard core" raid guilds. The core however remain and we get people all the time that love our style. I think that has to be our focus, staying grounded and understanding who we are. We will beat those end bosses, hopefully before any nerf makes it so anyone can.
Now how to deal with the drama. I think for all you up and coming Guild Leaders out there, you have to do one thing above all else. Listen. Yeah sounds easy, but when you got 361 guildies all wanting your ear it's not always easy to filter things out. It also takes time, which we all have so precious little of. Remember, I have to get up in the morning to go to work. But finding time and listening to your guildies no matter the size of the issue, will make your people want to keep going, to fight and to participate, more then any promise for gear or gold. People want to feel that they are wanted and respected.
Treat them with respect and sit there and listen... even if they are talking about something so trivial you honestly could care less about, but it's important to them. Make it important to you. They will not only go to war with you, they will do things that might not for anyone else. They may also take responsibility for something that you just don't have time for. A perfect example is our Lottery. A longtime friend who joined the guild about a year ago, came to me telling me his views and opinions on the guild and the game. He told me what was bothering him and what he would do if he was able to. Well, I made him an officer, and he now takes care of (very well i might add) multiple things that I'd be hard pressed to do myself. Give people an outlet.. give them a goal and a voice. More times then not they wont let you down.
Get people involved. When a person comes to me complaining about one thing or another, I tell them, "What are you doing about it, or what should we as a guild do?" Make them come up with solutions and not just complaints. Every problem has a fix, don't try to necessarily fix it for them... let them fix it, just push them in the right direction. I also have to be leader enough to make tough decisions when the time comes.
Be supportive. If someone knows that they are not pulling their weight give them options, but most of all be positive on what they can do. If they are taking their time to come to you for help, honor them by giving them an outlet and also some ways to improved. Some people are just lazy, you have to try to motivate them, but don't expend too much energy. This is a game.. remember that.
All in all, you cannot make everyone happy, but you can try. Do what is best for your own health and have fun. Your guild will respect you for it.
I always dream of winning the Powerball. What i would buy my friends and the house i would finally buy my mother. Of all the places I would go and things I would purchase. I always wanted a brand new vehicle, I've never had one to my own. I would want a large wooden lodge in the mountains with an OC48 streaming in.. hahaha (nerd talking), oh.. and a Best Buy next door. After a while I think, what happens next? What happens when my friends have to go back to work, and I've paid for all the things I wanted? What will motivate me then?
Playing Warcraft is kinda like that. You skill up, and gear up, and run instances and raids over and over to get that ultimate goal. To beat the end boss and get the Tier piece that has eluded you for so long. You fight and wipe and wipe and wipe with 25 other people until you are sick of running back and paying for repairs. But you want so badly to win. The planning, and the organization, and the different attitudes and play styles all have to come together. And then you spend weeks that turn into months throwing yourselves at these Raid bosses, getting better each time. Each person feeling a bit overwhelmed but we get better, and better. And finally SUCCESS! We came together that one try and everything came together and we stood above the body of the fallen boss, taking pictures and laughing and /cheering. The loot, stuff we have never seen before, gets passed out and the winners (you can tell) have this HUGE grin on their faces. And the congratulations from the others and the guildies not in the raid is so positive and genuinely excited.... and then the drama starts.
Now before I go on about how I despise drama (which you will know from my other blogs), I will admit there are things that a leadership group have to look at even when we succeed. We have to look at what works and what doesn't. Who needs help and who is really struggling. That is a leaderships responsibility, but... does it have to be dramatic? Does drama have to spread like wildfire and suffocate like a plastic bag? I truly believe that some people revel in drama, as if they aren't happy if there is none. I want nothing more then to squash it, and I always try immediately.
Recently, my guild has beaten a really tough boss. While there is about 10 seconds of jubilation, there was an aire of self righteousness. Like we should have done that hours ago or weeks ago. From our leadership group there was very little "attaboys" or positive reinforcement. While i know that as a GUILD LEADER I am responsible for the guilds overall health. The raid leaders are a bit gruff as, I think, most are as due to all the responsibility they have on themselves. However, there are about 10 Seniors and Officers in the raid and yet it seems there is very little positive feedback. I actually don't mind the minimal praise, because I can fill that... and I do. The issues I see are when i hear what comes next, both from Raiders and some of my Guild Leaders.
After a few minutes I hear a lot of the following:
1. We are letting too many under geared people in.
2. Why are were we wiping on easy bosses (um.. we never beat it before)
3. People actually calling out others about being low in dps, or geared
4. Why aren't we doing another 25 man day we need to finish Ulduar
5. I want to run 25 man Naxx, but not come to Ulduar
6. Our Gear system sucks, I hate it...
7. That person is hardly ever here, why does he/she have priority?
8. These AFK's are killing me (i happen to agree with this one)
I donno, I guess where I came from, every victorious battle should be celebrated. I don't mean battles we have won 100 times (like kara or naxx), but this is Ulduar, we are 4 steps away from current end game. Why aren't we getting naked and partying?? jk.. haha... Seriously, I don't see why we don't bask in the glow a little more. Why we aren't satisfied with amazing job we did to beat that boss. I'm apparently not one of those Guild Leaders that has to beat every boss now... We are a casual guild that raids, very well i might add. We have a lot of other things going on and some of our raiders tend to get in the Raiding Tunnel visions. We have in fact lost many guildies in the past to "hard core" raid guilds. The core however remain and we get people all the time that love our style. I think that has to be our focus, staying grounded and understanding who we are. We will beat those end bosses, hopefully before any nerf makes it so anyone can.
Now how to deal with the drama. I think for all you up and coming Guild Leaders out there, you have to do one thing above all else. Listen. Yeah sounds easy, but when you got 361 guildies all wanting your ear it's not always easy to filter things out. It also takes time, which we all have so precious little of. Remember, I have to get up in the morning to go to work. But finding time and listening to your guildies no matter the size of the issue, will make your people want to keep going, to fight and to participate, more then any promise for gear or gold. People want to feel that they are wanted and respected.
Treat them with respect and sit there and listen... even if they are talking about something so trivial you honestly could care less about, but it's important to them. Make it important to you. They will not only go to war with you, they will do things that might not for anyone else. They may also take responsibility for something that you just don't have time for. A perfect example is our Lottery. A longtime friend who joined the guild about a year ago, came to me telling me his views and opinions on the guild and the game. He told me what was bothering him and what he would do if he was able to. Well, I made him an officer, and he now takes care of (very well i might add) multiple things that I'd be hard pressed to do myself. Give people an outlet.. give them a goal and a voice. More times then not they wont let you down.
Get people involved. When a person comes to me complaining about one thing or another, I tell them, "What are you doing about it, or what should we as a guild do?" Make them come up with solutions and not just complaints. Every problem has a fix, don't try to necessarily fix it for them... let them fix it, just push them in the right direction. I also have to be leader enough to make tough decisions when the time comes.
Be supportive. If someone knows that they are not pulling their weight give them options, but most of all be positive on what they can do. If they are taking their time to come to you for help, honor them by giving them an outlet and also some ways to improved. Some people are just lazy, you have to try to motivate them, but don't expend too much energy. This is a game.. remember that.
All in all, you cannot make everyone happy, but you can try. Do what is best for your own health and have fun. Your guild will respect you for it.
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